I feel like this blog is becoming somewhere I vent my frustrations and where I cry for help. I don't want it to be that way so I WILL post a happy update post within the next few days but for now frustrations.
Monday the 21st would have been my mother's 59th birthday. Another birthday has passed that she's not here and it was hard. The entire week was hard as it was Thanksgiving and my mom loved Thanksgiving or at least she seemed to.
Emory started preschool on my mom's birthday, it was a cold, rainy day which were my mom's favorite next to snowy days. I know that she was with us that day since I was nervous to send Em to school all day. I found comfort in that. My mom had a such a passion for early childhood education so I know she wanted to look over Em at school. Had she been here she would have gone with me to drop her off and the rainy day was her way of telling me it's okay, I'm here.
Now let's fast forward to today. We were at the gas station filling the car up and Emory was crying in the car. I asked her why she was crying and she said ' I want my ganmra to hold me'. What do I say to that? I thought for a minute and just held her hand through the window and told her I would like that too baby. She also started asking about my grandma and my papa and where they were. I just told her heaven and she was good with that. We seemed okay until we were trying to exchange something at the mall and they didn't have the item so we had to go to another location. When we got there Emory was exhausted and being a typical tired 3 year old. She was grabbing stuff and I told her no then grabbed her hand and started walking to where we needed to go, she went limp. She has NEVER done that before and I was mortified and since I was already upset because of our conversations earlier I felt beaten down. I just kept picking her up and making her walk, while I tried to keep my cool and just get out of the store. We got in the car and started the drive home. She told me she was never going to talk to me again, that she didn't like me and a bunch of other things to try and hurt my feelings because she was angry. Then came the waterworks and crying to go to grandma's house. She cried to for her grandma to hold her. I kept tellling her I wanted that too but we can't do that. Grandma lives in heaven and it's just too far away for us to go right now. Then she asked to go to my grandmas house. She cried and asked these things the entire way home, which was about a 25 minute drive. I hit my breaking point about 2 miles from home and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I told her one last time that we couldn't go to grandma's house and sobbed the rest of the way home.
I want her to know all the wonderful things her grandma's did. I want her to know they would've and do love her very much but it hurts so much to talk about. When she starts asking about her grandma's I just want her to stop because it would be easier for me if she just didn't bring it up but it's not fair to her. she's 3 and deserves to know the truth. I have tried to approach this that way. She doesn't understand the concept of heaven though so this approach isn't working. I've told her grandma doesn't have a house and she can't grasp that. It's because I'm being vague not knowing how to go about this. I'm trying to take my feelings out of it and I can't. I can't get past the 5 year old in me screaming 'I WANT MY MOMMY TOO!!'
I feel like I'm starting the grieving process all over and this might be because I didn't finish going though all the stages of grief. Everything just seems so fresh again.
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2 comments:
I'm horrible I guess. Sure I would talk about my dad to Warren or the girls. And I think Shannon thought it was mostly my step dad. But for the most part I just tried not to bring him up around her because I wasn't sure how I was going to explain it. Death, heaven, the whole nine yards. I remember those days with Shannon. Once she was so pissed she flipped the stroller she was in upside down on top of herself in Victoria's Secret. Sometimes I just let her scream it out. Screw it if people want to judge, they aren't in our shoes, they don't know how difficult they can be. I know it's hard chick, I'm sorry. Where are the instruction manuals when we need them?!
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What we have told my son is that Grandma is an angel and watches over us, we can't see her but she is always with us and loves us and all that. He's 4 and doesn't understand it all but it helps, and of course keeping her memory alive by showing them pictures and telling stories helps too. I'm sorry you have to go through that Shelby. You are a wonderful mother and i'm sure your daughter is lucky to have you!
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