Thursday, July 8, 2010
confused.
Emory went for her first evaluation today and I left confused. I'll post more later when I can think straight. We left with no answers today and have more appointments we need to make. SO FRUSTRATING!!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
emotional
Today has been a bit of a rough day emotionally for me. Today was the day that the 4th of July was celebrated in Utah..the 4th celebrated on the 3rd since the 4th falls on a sunday anywho, I had to work a 9 hour day. These shifts are rough and I have to work a 7 hour day tomorrow and train a new girl. We need the money so all these hours are nice but I'd rather not work the whole holiday weekend. Gotta love retail.
So at work this afternoon I was hit with a sudden urge, the lump in the throat, tears in my eyes, fighting back crying. Why you may ask? I have no friggin' clue. At least I didn't at the time. I thought about it for a while and here's what came to mind- I left the house before Emory was awake this morning, it's a holiday you're supposed to spend with your family, my mom liked the fourth of July, I can't get a hold of my dad, all of this ran through my mind. The things that stuck out were that I had left Emory and I missed my mom. I really hate leaving Emory to go to work but I love my job. I didn't cry the first time I dropped her off to go back to work after spending 3 short months with her after she was born. But now 19 1/2 months later it makes me sad to leave her. I love that little girl more than anyone will ever imagine. She makes me crazy but she brings joy to my life. Somedays I regret having a baby so early in life, my social life is almost non-existant but today something hit me, none of these thoughts will matter when she's older. I'm young and have will have time to do tons of things I didn't get to because I had her so young. Right now I need to enjoy her being this little innocent person that needs me and I need to focus on her.
On to missing my mom. June 25 of this year marked the 5th year anniversary of my mother's very unexpected death. This day was only a week ago and I was not sad then. I thought as time went on this got easier but here I sit a week later crying and wanting her here with me. I miss the way she smelled, her beautiful grey hair, her silly crooked smile that she hated so very much, the talks we had about everything, her advice, watching lifetime with her on Saturday mornings, the trips we took. I want to hear her voice, I NEED to hear her voice. She always made everything right or at least made it seem that way. I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay, I want Emory to have a grandma. She's missing out on having the greatest grandma anyone could ever have and I hate it. I hate that she'll never know this amazing woman I called mom. For 16 short years she shaped me into the woman I have become and I am so grateful for that. But there was so much more she had to teach me, I just know it and these lessons I have to figure out myself and I think I've done a damn good job but I find myself needing to hear it from her. This voice thing is what gets me the most, I can't remember how her voice sounded, I wish I had a recording of her voice, something that I could play when I'm having a bad day, something, anything.
I miss you mommy more than I can even express. I don't know how I've made it this far and how I've remained so strong. But I can't be strong anymore, I've hit my breaking point. I need you, I want you, I want to go back to that horrid June day and help you, I want to make this right, you shouldn't have died that day. We all needed you and you were taken away. WHY!?!? Can someone please tell me why she was taken from us? What did we do to deserve this? I've tried for 5 long years to figure it out and I can't. I need an answer. I haven't gone to the cemetary to see you in 4 years. You always told us that we shouldn't cry over graves because they are not there. So I don't go because I cry every time, I bawl like a baby, I can't help it and I feel that if I went and cried to a wall you'll look down and be disappointed. I don't want to disappoint you mommy. I don't know if dad ever goes to see you and I feel that you're lonely. But I can't bring myself to even drive by the cemetary, if I do then I cry. When does this get easier? How do I get through times like these without you here?
This may be hitting me so hard because Emory's evaluation is in four days, my mom would have been the cool headed one in all of this while I can sit and freak out, she'd tell me everything will work out and we'll do this, that and another thing to help. Or at least I think that's what she'd say. I'm forgetting how she used to answer things or things she used to say to me. God I miss her so much. Anyway, Im scared for what the answer might be on Thursday. I know that if she is diagnosed with Autism that she is nowhere near broken. I will love her just the same and we'll learn techniques to help her but this whole thing frightens me. I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I'm scared and nobody gets it. People think I'm crazy for having my one and a half year old evaluated for things that "normal" one year old behavior...yes she is a big brat but there are things I see that are not "normal" Does your kid put the food they knocked off their plate back in its right place on the plate? Corn goes back with the rest of the corn, beans go here etc...Have an obsession with cellphones? Need to have every door closed? A particular way to have her diaper on? Hates the way other diapers feel on their little body? Go from running to a dead stop to stare into space for 30 seconds and suddenly snap back to reality and go back to running? All of these things I haven't ever seen another toddler do. At least not at her age. All of this scares me.Whats the next step after the evaluation? How do we handle this? I don't know and again am looking for answers.
Alright I've had about as much emotion as I can take for one night.
So at work this afternoon I was hit with a sudden urge, the lump in the throat, tears in my eyes, fighting back crying. Why you may ask? I have no friggin' clue. At least I didn't at the time. I thought about it for a while and here's what came to mind- I left the house before Emory was awake this morning, it's a holiday you're supposed to spend with your family, my mom liked the fourth of July, I can't get a hold of my dad, all of this ran through my mind. The things that stuck out were that I had left Emory and I missed my mom. I really hate leaving Emory to go to work but I love my job. I didn't cry the first time I dropped her off to go back to work after spending 3 short months with her after she was born. But now 19 1/2 months later it makes me sad to leave her. I love that little girl more than anyone will ever imagine. She makes me crazy but she brings joy to my life. Somedays I regret having a baby so early in life, my social life is almost non-existant but today something hit me, none of these thoughts will matter when she's older. I'm young and have will have time to do tons of things I didn't get to because I had her so young. Right now I need to enjoy her being this little innocent person that needs me and I need to focus on her.
On to missing my mom. June 25 of this year marked the 5th year anniversary of my mother's very unexpected death. This day was only a week ago and I was not sad then. I thought as time went on this got easier but here I sit a week later crying and wanting her here with me. I miss the way she smelled, her beautiful grey hair, her silly crooked smile that she hated so very much, the talks we had about everything, her advice, watching lifetime with her on Saturday mornings, the trips we took. I want to hear her voice, I NEED to hear her voice. She always made everything right or at least made it seem that way. I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay, I want Emory to have a grandma. She's missing out on having the greatest grandma anyone could ever have and I hate it. I hate that she'll never know this amazing woman I called mom. For 16 short years she shaped me into the woman I have become and I am so grateful for that. But there was so much more she had to teach me, I just know it and these lessons I have to figure out myself and I think I've done a damn good job but I find myself needing to hear it from her. This voice thing is what gets me the most, I can't remember how her voice sounded, I wish I had a recording of her voice, something that I could play when I'm having a bad day, something, anything.
I miss you mommy more than I can even express. I don't know how I've made it this far and how I've remained so strong. But I can't be strong anymore, I've hit my breaking point. I need you, I want you, I want to go back to that horrid June day and help you, I want to make this right, you shouldn't have died that day. We all needed you and you were taken away. WHY!?!? Can someone please tell me why she was taken from us? What did we do to deserve this? I've tried for 5 long years to figure it out and I can't. I need an answer. I haven't gone to the cemetary to see you in 4 years. You always told us that we shouldn't cry over graves because they are not there. So I don't go because I cry every time, I bawl like a baby, I can't help it and I feel that if I went and cried to a wall you'll look down and be disappointed. I don't want to disappoint you mommy. I don't know if dad ever goes to see you and I feel that you're lonely. But I can't bring myself to even drive by the cemetary, if I do then I cry. When does this get easier? How do I get through times like these without you here?
This may be hitting me so hard because Emory's evaluation is in four days, my mom would have been the cool headed one in all of this while I can sit and freak out, she'd tell me everything will work out and we'll do this, that and another thing to help. Or at least I think that's what she'd say. I'm forgetting how she used to answer things or things she used to say to me. God I miss her so much. Anyway, Im scared for what the answer might be on Thursday. I know that if she is diagnosed with Autism that she is nowhere near broken. I will love her just the same and we'll learn techniques to help her but this whole thing frightens me. I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I'm scared and nobody gets it. People think I'm crazy for having my one and a half year old evaluated for things that "normal" one year old behavior...yes she is a big brat but there are things I see that are not "normal" Does your kid put the food they knocked off their plate back in its right place on the plate? Corn goes back with the rest of the corn, beans go here etc...Have an obsession with cellphones? Need to have every door closed? A particular way to have her diaper on? Hates the way other diapers feel on their little body? Go from running to a dead stop to stare into space for 30 seconds and suddenly snap back to reality and go back to running? All of these things I haven't ever seen another toddler do. At least not at her age. All of this scares me.Whats the next step after the evaluation? How do we handle this? I don't know and again am looking for answers.
Alright I've had about as much emotion as I can take for one night.
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