wrong?

Sometimes I feel like I didn't cope with Emory's diagnosis' the right way. I didn't cry, I wasn't mad, sure my heart broke but I walked out of those appointment's knowing what our next steps were going to be and that everything was going to be a-okay. People tell me they are sorry and I have to fight the urge to ask them what for. Maybe it's because I don't want people to feel sorry for me and really they shouldn't. Maybe it's because I have been around children with different disabilities my entire life or that I worked with them. Or because I have family members on the Autism Spectrum or with learning disabilities. I really don't know why my world didn't shatter like so many parents say happened to them when their child was diagnosed with such and such.

 Honestly I feel bad that it didn't when I read or hear these stories. I feel like I failed at being a caring mother because I didn't grieve. Why do I feel this way? Is it because I more accepting of differences? I really don't feel that way and don't want anyone to think that I'm like that. I feel like I should have felt some kind of sorrow knowing that this little tiny girl, I carried safely in my body for 9 months, has something wrong with her. Should I have watched every dream I had for my baby come crashing down?

My heart hurts thinking that I'm doing something wrong or did something wrong. Emory is happy, healthy, smart and most importanly thriving. So why am I letting this get to me? I really can't answer that right now and it irritates me. It's not like I sat in the opthamologist's office and hollered 'YAHOO' when he told me that Emory has Motor Nystagmous or did cartwheels when he sat Jason and I down in a consult room at Primary Children's and kindly told us that she has Achromatopsia which is genetic, causes the Nystagmous and she has 20/380 vision because of it.. I did neither of these things when the psychologist told me that she is definitely on the Autism Spectrum. I asked them both what that meant for her. They both told me what I needed to do and that was to get her Early Intevention services. Maybe there is nothing to grieve since I finally had answers to my questions and suspicions or because neither of these conditions will affect her quality of life. She'll have to find different ways to do things and that's okay by me.

I'm also wondering if I'm just numb to this. I went in expecting to hear that something was wrong and low and behold something was 'wrong' with her. But I chose to move on and get her services started to help her.

Do you want to know what does break my heart, makes me cry and ask a higher power WHY me?
Watching her as she tries to find the step with her foot when she's inches away because she can't see where the edge is.
Watching as she tries to reach for something on the tray of her stroller because the sun is hitting right where the item is and she can't tell that anything is there. 
Seeing her flap her hands for minutes at a time.
Trying so hard for her to look me in the eyes for even 3 short seconds.
Watching a full blown meltdown that I had to walk away from because there's nothing I can to help her.
Hearing her grunt behind me, with her hand up in the air, while she takes tiny steps because she can't see in the bright light and needs mommy or daddy's hand to hold to know that it's safe to keep going.

I wonder every day what I can do to make this easier for her when we've been given all the tips and tools and have the professionals to guide us along.

Some people take the time to ask how I'm doing as a mom to a special needs child and I can only answer 'okay. she keeps me busy' I know they want to make sure I'm okay too and really I am, I'm in this 110% for Emory but sometimes I do feel numb, I feel like I should be sad about this. I feel stuck between emotions and don't know exactly which ones. Should I grieve? What is there to grieve over? In one short year she has gone from saying 20 words to well over 200, barely putting two words together to speaking in 8+ word sentences. She has jumped about 18 months in eye development. She has the fine motor skills of a 4 year old. I want to shout these things from the roof tops but feel that it's not my place.

Ugh I guess I'm just stuck in limbo and I need time to process.



If you read all of this Thanks.
It's a mess, I'm a big confused mess and I really need to go to bed :)