I have no idea

Going through my FaceBook feed tonight one of my friends posted something for mental health week...now I have no idea if it's really mental health week or not since these things circulate for months but the first sentence of it stood out to me.

"DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long."

Last week I posted about the mental battle I was having with myself and came to find out that I am more than likely depressed. I didn't want a title for myself. I never wanted to be one of "those" people. I never wanted to hit rock bottom and I did. I reached out for help after months of hiding inside myself. I finally let Jason know that I feel like our relationship is falling apart and it's my fault. I'm not in it 100%, I don't want to work at it because I have no will to work at anything. I didnt know what to do. I needed somebody to talk to and I put up a vague status on facebook and got comments from exactly who I wanted, my brother and sister. Depression and anxiety run in our family, mainly from my mother's side. They've been where I was. I needed somebody to tell me what to do even though I knew exactly what I had to do. I needed a push. I needed to contact a doctor and possibly be put on meds. For my relationship with my best friend and my daughter, I was hurting them and didn't even realize it. I said I was going to call a dr but I haven't. I haven't because I felt tons better after my breakdown that afternoon. I cried hard for the first time in months. I needed to let everything out and I did. Then I went about my life continuing to prepare for Emory's second birthday. I needed to get that out of the way before I could focus on myself and now that it's over I still haven't. I needed to and it's on my to do list for tomorrow.

Now onto the sentence that left me wide eyed and thinking "hmmm...that's so true." I sat there staring at it and reading it over and over thinking about how true it really is. I have been trying to be strong for way too long. I lost my mom at 16 and not only that but I'm the one that found her lifeless on her bedroom floor. Little 16 year old me. My life since then has been anything but easy. I dealt with my father's alcholism destroying our family and I had to be strong. I had to stick up for myself and my mother. I wasn't going to let him tear me down but he did. I remember the digs he took at me in his rages like they just happened yesterday. At the time I wasn't going to let it affect me but it did, each and every one of them have over time. I had to be strong and end a year long relationship with someone that verbally abused me everyday. I met Jason and after a few months fell in love. Jason had lost his "mom" 9 days after I lost mine. We were grieving together and I had to be strong for him.  Then I moved out to get away from my dad. I was on my own and you have to be strong, you can't go running home to mommy and daddy. I had Jason but he was still in high school, I had to be an adult. I took on alot of responsibility moving out when I did. We made it through as I still dealt with my father from a distance.

 Fast forward 2 years and I find out that I'm pregnant. WHAT!? I wasn't ready for the path I was about to go down but I had to. I found the strength and am so very happy I did. Again I had to be strong for my family. When she was born it was a whole other ball game, once again I was searching for strength to be the best mom ever. I found it. I didn't know a year and half down the road my strength was going to be tested again. My little girl was about to be evaluated for Autism. "Eh no big deal" I told myself. "I've been around Autistic kids before I CAN do this." Then came her official diagnosis. I sat in the car afterward and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Something is wrong with my baby. I asked myself how I was going to deal with this. What are the next steps? Then I had to be her voice. Calls were put in for Early Intervention and they had no idea why the dr's were on their backs about us not receiving services due to Em's eye condition. I had to speak up for Em, in all of my confusion I had to break through it and again find strength for her. She needed that from me and I found it again but it only lasts so long.

5 years of being strong has finally broken me down. I was hoping to never have to go through this but it's pretty much inevitable with a family history. I should have gotten help 5 years ago. Looking back I was a mess then and somebody should have loaded my ass in the car and pulled me kicking and screaming into the doctor. But I was stubborn and believed everything was okay and that I could hold that attitude forever. This is bigger than me and now I know that and am going to get the help that I need and my family deserves.