shift.

I started writing this on September 4th. It's a whole lot of random and I was going to edit the crap out of this but I feel everything I have put in here is important in some way or a another.

The past month has been a bit crazy at our house. See previous posts for details if you feel the need my imaginary readers. :) I know people read this I just don't know who.

Anyway Emory was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) on August 16th and in the past three weeks I have noticed that my priorities have shifted kind of alot. Well maybe only a little but whatever.

6 months ago I was going to school for business at an expensive, rip off school and failing classes left and right. We were struggling paying our bills. I had a normal toddler. And things were about to change...shifting....

In may I was dropped the rip off college and decided to go to the community college and start fresh. I love it so far. I did summer semester which I will probably never do again since its jam packed and I hated that about the other school I attended but I passed, I had my first on campus experience with a college class ever and I liked it. I liked being taught instead of teaching myself. I liked doing my assignments. I loved school again and it made me happy. Fall semester started last week and I'm so excited for my classes this semester. English, Math and Orienation to Education...this class I'm hoping will guide me to what I want to major in.

May also brought curveballs our way. Emory had become a terror, she was throwing tantrums, not sleeping and a few other things. We went for her 18 month well child check and after asking a few questions her doctor suggested we get her evaluated for Autism. I had suspected we may need to with the way Emory had been acting. I wasn't surprised when her doctor mentioned evaluating her and handed me a sheet with phone numbers on it. I was as prepared as I could have been and we went about our life as usual dealing with our newly high maintenance daughter. (newly being from 15 months to 18 months she completely changed temperment) The evaluation process was frustrating. Summer was also frustrating. I was working more, I was going to school, Emory was a nightmare and I had 4 extra kids in our house nearly all day. We were busy and I didn't notice that I was stressed by this evaluation process until a few days before our first evaluation and I had a breakdown which I blogged about. Her first evaluation didn't give us any answers, nothing and I didn't think I was disappointed then but I look back now and I was. I was angry we didn't get any answers, I was upset that nobody understood why I was getting her evaluated, it was stressful and hurt me because I felt like nobody wanted to help her or us. We needed an answer and nobody seemed to care. They told me she was too smart to be Autistic, she was too cute, too this and too that. First off do you know how smart autistic children are? Obviously not. Second being cute has NOTHING to do with having a disorder.

 A month later we were given our answer and guess who was right? Me, mommy instincts told me that something wasn't "normal" and I obviously didn't need an official diagnosis to tell me this but it was relieving to hear. I thought it was relieving at least and then the more I thought about it the more confused I became. I was also scared about what we have to face in the years to come.

Nobody wants their child to have "special needs" and with Autism being the one of the biggest fears of parents its hard to let this sink in that my child IS Autistic. It's a huge adjustment for me that I have to make alone and I hate it. I hate that my family is 800 miles away. I hate that it's hard for me to relate my feelings about this whole situation. It makes my head spin. I'm embarassed to take her to the store and look like the mom that has no control over her kid. I hate the looks people give me when she's in the middle of a meltdown as I'm trying to leave the store as quickly as possible and red in the face. If they only knew how I really felt inside and that those looks hurt. It hurts that they are judging me with their eyes rolling and the sighing. It hurts when they giggle at her squinting and saying she's making such a silly face...the silly face isn't intentional, she squints to slow her little shaky eyes down so she can see straight. I don't want to explain to everyone her eye condition just like I don't want to tell everyone of her spectrum disorder. I don't want people to judge her based on those two things but unfortuately this is what I have to do from now on. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this but somehow I have to be. I need to come to terms with this for my little girl. I need to educate myself on Aspergers and PDD so I can educate others.